1- The nice guy: lame but safe Meet somewhere public so she can’t stab you. Be honest and open, but firm about the fact that it’s over. If you can summon a couple of tears, all the better. Bear in mind that no matter how nice you are, she’ll still hate your guts.
2 - The judo: she dumps herself There are a few things you could do that are repellent enough to make her run away, especially early on. If you start planning a long-term future (“I know we’ll be together in five years”), stalk her friends/family, or get needy all of a sudden, she’ll scarper pronto.
3 - The frog in water: heat things up The object of this game is to see how freaky you can make things before she leaves — kind of a reverse judo (see above). You want to gradually get weirder until she realises she’s dating a sicko/madman/manipulative jerk and vacates. Extra points if you take photos.
4 - The about face: also known as “scorched-earth policy” Find something she loves about you, and destroy it. If she loves your mind, watch Today Tonight and drink heavily. If she loves your body, get pizza, watch Today Tonight and drink heavily. If she loves your art, burn it. Then get pizza, drink heavily and skip Today Tonight.
5 - The slow decline: chemical warfare You normally make an effort. Stop. Don’t shave, don’t exercise, don’t brush your teeth, don’t shower. Don’t even change clothes. She’ll ditch your sorry arse quicker than you can say “urinary tract infection”. Which is exactly what she’ll get if she sticks around and keeps on hagging you.
6 - The showman: cause a scene If you’re an emotional exhibitionist, there’s nothing more fun than cosying up with some fawn-eyed honey while your soon-to-be-ex watches on. If this doesn’t send the message, you can always seal the deal by having her catch the two of you doing the horizontal monster-mash.
7 - The suicide bomber: collateral damage You probably have a fun-loving she-chum who can give you a minor STI, pretend you’ve gotten her pregnant, or help you “cheat”. Go for unforgivable indignity. Don’t think “I cheated on you” so much as “I cheated on you with a diseased hooker in your mother’s bed, and when we were done, we snorted your dad’s ashes”. Ka-BOOM!
8 - The devastator: maximum impact
Stay busy for a couple of weeks, but call regularly to tell her how much you miss her. When you do finally see each other, drop the bomb casually but firmly. Don’t let her touch you, and offer no affection to her. If you can act like this is normal and she’s unreasonably freaking out,
she’ll be in therapy for years.
9 - The freeze-out: at your convenience Stop calling. Stop taking calls. Ignore messages, delete her numbers, remove her from your Facebook friends. If she’s not a crazy person, she’ll get the message. And if she is, you can break up with her for being a crazy person.
10 - The corpse: fake your own death Apart from getting rid of your unwanted baggage — sorry, “loved one” — you’ll also drop off the Federal Police watch list. If you can tee it up with relatives, there’s the chance of a sweet life insurance payout as well. There really is no downside.
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