If you believe all the feminist propaganda being thrust upon today’s modern man, there are more points of interest on a female body than Breastville East, West, and the Midtown tunnel. While we’re yet to confirm if there’s any truth behind such bizarre misinformation, we do know a happy woman is a hell of a lot easier to survive than a disgruntled she-bat. So heed these bedroom warnings and you’ll be cruising on easy street.

DON’T: Get all tangled up
Getting tied up is awesome if you’re Indiana Jones, because he knows he’ll inevitably escape the Nazis with just enough time left to shag a nubile young vixen. Not you, though. Sure, the sheets may seem like an innocent way to hide your ever-broadening beer gut and budgie-smuggler tan, but they’re also a mood killer. There’s nothing sexy about getting so tangled up in the sheets that your girl has to pause the action to perform a rescue.
✔ Try this instead: The same can be said for her clothes and the sheets: if you’re sending any of your appendages on a deep-sea exploration mission, lose anything that could impede the success of your objective.

DON’T: Blow too hard in her ear
Admit it: some kid at school told you girls love this. And if there’s one place where you can get dodgy intel — the exception being to fear and segregate red-haired kids — it’s the school yard.
✔ Try this instead: Imagine whispering into a girl’s ear — that’s about the level of air she wants anywhere near her ear canal. There’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your birthday cake. 

DON’T: Leave evidence of your filth
Depending on your gender, there’s nothing more awful/hilarious than catching your pet wandering around the house with your used condom hanging out of its mouth in full view of your roommates (or even worse: your parents).
✔ Try this instead: Proper condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. While it may seem like a trivial point to make, you can bet you’ll never have to worry about getting your solider into his battle gear if your missus wakes up the next morning with your love glove stuck to the bottom of her foot after an early-morning bathroom visit.

DON’T: Thank her
Even if your girlfriend just forked over her live savings to coerce two Swedish volleyball-playing twins into the bedroom, there’s no reason to start worshipping her like she’s just managed to synthesise beer and pizza into a chewable pill. Of course your girl knows you’re thankful — you just had sex. The only thing possibly more satisfying is if you were somehow able to have a steak dinner and an arctic-cold pint with it.
✔ Try this instead: Instead of turning the bedroom into a soup kitchen, just smile and feel safe in the knowledge that you can now lay claim to not satisfying three women at once.

DON’T: Put a show on for your pet
No matter how much you love little Mittens, throw her outside your door when you are ready to do the dirty deed. Because if you don’t already know, cats don’t really give a shit about much else besides themselves. So it is probably going to crawl up next to you and lick itself to sleep while you’re trying to do your thing. Having a dog’s even worse — who can handle the insecurity that comes with performing doggy style in front of a master?
✔ Try this instead: Give it something to chew on or play with and lock the bastard out — you’re not filming a bestiality flick. Or, if you are, you shouldn’t be, so there’s no reason for your pet to be in the bedroom.