10 REASONS TO BE SUSPICIOUS OF YOUR GIRLFRIEND
There’s every chance your babe is legit, totally trustworthy and perfectly honest. So why are you reading this, then?
She’s lying to you
You lie to her all the time, too. Especially about your overwhelming desire to stare at naked women who aren’t her. Just so long as you’re aware you’re getting a filtered version from her, as well…
She’s just marking time For some girls, being single is like going to Canberra — they know it’s possible, but it’s somehow never quite tempting enough. So being with you for a bit longer is the least-worst option available.
She’s acting strangely
Are there phone calls she doesn’t answer when you’re around? Does her mood swing between giddy empowerment and crippling, silent guilt? Are the condoms missing? Then there’s a very slight chance she’s shagging the rest of the footy team. And by “slight”, we mean “massive”.
She doesn’t trust you either That’s why she asks questions like: “How do I compare to your exes?” and “Would you still be attracted to me if I lost both legs in a hideous skiing accident?” She knows you’re shallow and flaky, and your feeble attempts to pretend otherwise just aren’t convincing. Regardless, it’s game on.
She’s getting ready to bail There’s often a gap between deciding it’s over and actually leaving, so if you think she has been distant recently, don’t ignore it. If you think she is on her way out, you can turn the tables by springing the break-up on her.
She doesn’t give a stuff about you People shack up together for all sorts of reasons, and her reasons might not have much to do with you. You might be a substitute father, have a job she can boast to her friends about, earn enough to support her, remind her of someone she used to love or just be something to cling to.
She’s still “friends” with her exes Anyone who’s ever bedded a virgin will tell you that, between the nerves and the lack of practise, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. But it’s better than knowing your chick’s exes are still out there, especially if they’re “friends”. And if she ever says you needn’t worry, take that as a sign to get your worrying cap on.
She’s secretly gay What at first yanked your crank will have you tearing your hair out if you discover she actually does bat for the other team. If you’re some enlightened bloke who accepts his missus has got to go elsewhere for love-tunnel loving, enjoy that. Otherwise, welcome to Hell...
She’s just like your mother If she looks the part, makes your lunch and kisses you before you go to sleep at night, you’ve got a problem. Ditch her and replace her with a therapist — it works out cheaper in the end.