ZOO Weekly


04 August 2010
4 stars
 After his recent bizarre rants, the Braveheart star staked a claim to be planet’s dumbest schmuck.

But is he?

We’ve found 24 others who might be even more deranged…

Mel Gibson
Mel was just starting to get out of celebrity exile from his boozy anti-Jewish rant, when raging, threatening, racist phone messages to his ex Oksana Grigorieva and a pic of her with busted teeth, allegedly caused by Mel, turned up on the net. In one fell swoop, he deep-sixed his career and any public goodwill he had left. Catastrophically mental.

Tiger Woods
After his much-anticipated return to golf collapsed like a fat man in a marathon — he drubbed at the Masters, missed the cut at Quail Hollow, shot his second-worst round at the Players Championship — Woods was hit with a paternity suit by a porn star (he denies being the dad)
and a divorce bill rumoured to be around $700 million. Ouch.

Uluru dance woman
French stripper Alizee Sery started a s--storm by doing a striptease on top of Uluru, then kept digging deeper by saying she did it as a “tribute” to Aboriginal culture. Indigenous groups demanded she be deported.

Busted up his successful radio show to turn his hand to TV and promptly sank his career with the disastrous Australia Versus show, which a million viewers switched off as soon as it came on screen. 

Gordon Brown
Ex-PM of the UK, who probably wouldn’t have won the May election anyway, but made sure of it by slagging off an old woman as a “bigot” with a live lapel microphone still pinned to his jacket. 

Jason Akermanis
The only thing bigger than his talent is his mouth — if he could just shut up for ten minutes about gay players and bum-slapping and whatever else passes through his mind on an apparently random basis, he’d be a lynchpin of the Dogs, instead of them having to handle him like an IED buried under an Afghani highway.

For releasing director Roman Polanski instead of sending him to the US to face sentencing for statutory rape. Hey, Switzerland — he screwed a child. It’s not like the US wanted to extradite him for parking fines. And he pleaded guilty! We’re not talking about some fitted-up charge. 

Kevin Rudd
Somehow managed to go from being the most popular PM in Australian history, to coming second best in the polls to a man famous for wearing budgie smugglers in public, and then getting dumped for a redhead. 

Referee of UK vs Germany World Cup match
Uruguayan ref Jorge Larrionda was dropped from FIFA’s ref roster after he disallowed Pom midfielder Frank Lampard’s equalising goal against Germany — even though it was clearly a metre over the goal line! 

Jana Rawlinson
Threatened to compete for the UK instead of Oz, all because the Athletics Australia staff were being too mean to her. If she used all that oxygen she burns whining on actually running, she’d have run to the Moon and back by now. 

Mikey Carroll
When Carroll won £9.7 million ($17 million) in November 2002, aged just 19, everyone assumed he was set for life. Now, less than eight years later, he’s completely broke and working as a bin man, having squandered the lot on luxury cars (which he drove in demolition derbies), a mansion (which he wrecked and is now condemned), and allegedly loads and loads of drugs. And yet somehow, it still feels like he wasted it.

Tony Hayward: CEO of BP
Complained that he wanted the catastrophic oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico to be over because it was interfering with his life; then got caught on camera grumbling that: “We had too many people working to save the world. Our primary purpose in life is to create value for our shareholders. Our purpose in life is not to save the world.” 

Lambo-on-fire man
The New York man who bought this half-million-dollar Lambo wanted a DVD player and screen installed, but tried to save a few bucks by getting a cheap after-market kit. Which turned out to be a bad investment when the dodgy kit started an electrical fire and toasted his Murciélago into a twisted piece of smouldering crap. Moral: if you drive one of the fastest supercars in the world, you shouldn’t need a DVD player to entertain yourself, but if you do, don’t cheap-out when you already paid a fortune for the car.

Pahrump District Attorney Robert Beckett
Beckett seems to have discovered the ultimate get-out-of-jail-free card: after the sheriff of Pahrump, Nevada, arrested him claiming he’d misused public funds (including $6000 on a cheerleading squad run by his wife), Beckett was released because the District Attorney (himself) declined to press charges against him. Now the DA’s office is investigating the sheriff’s office, the sheriff’s office is investigating the DA’s office and the Nevada state DA has said “the sideshow is taking over the circus”. 

Lara Bingle
Reduced from the top WAG of Australian sport to a laughing stock thanks to how she handled the fallout from that Brendan Fevola photo and accepting a mega-cheque for telling Woman’s Day how miserable she was. 

Communications Minister Stephen Conroy
His plan to filter the internet landed him the “Internet Villain Of The Year” award from an international web industry group. But it was his claim that the Google Street View camera-cars were “hoovering up” people’s bank details as they drove around that made thinking people’s heads explode. “[If] you were doing a banking transaction, or transmitting personal information, they could have hoovered it up, sucked it up into their machine,” Conroy grumbled, perhaps while drooling into a bucket. 

Justin Bieber
For… everything. The hair, the songs, the girl’s tattoo of a little birdy on his hip, for the virginity and the tantrums, and general irritating s--ness. Now he’s making a movie about his life, playing himself, and is being inducted into the Bowling Hall Of Fame for having
a video clip set in a bowling alley. A virus that must be stopped. 

Jón Gnarr: the comedian-mayor of Iceland
Iceland comedian Jon Gnarr started a joke political party, called the Best Party, to satirise a failing political system that has seen four leaders in four years. His bizarre campaign included free towels at public pools and a Disneyland at the airport. The real joke? He won. We’re not sure if he’s the idiot or the voters, but someone here is getting punk’d.

Twilight fans
For continuing to spend time and money watching Twilight — time and money that could have been more profitably spent lining up the window of Robert Pattinson’s hotel room through the telescopic sight of a high-powered rifle. 

Grigory Perelman: maths nerd turned down $1 million prize
This Russian maths genius won a $1 million prize for solving the Poincaré conjecture, an infamously difficult 100-year-old maths problem — but refused to take the money, preferring to live in poverty in his rat-infested St Petersburg flat. “To put it short, the main reason is my disagreement with the organised mathematical community. I don’t like their decisions; I consider them unjust,” moaned Perelman. 

Robin Mortimer: UK motorsport boss died during sadistic sex
The founder of UK motorsport team RPM Racing died after a prolonged bondage session with two dominatrix prostitutes. The coroner said he may have died from using nitrous oxide as an anaesthetic for the “extreme pain administered by the two women.” Hey, if you don’t like pain, don’t have sadistic bondage sex, so you don’t need anaesthetic, so you won’t die.

Raoul Moat
The UK cops launched the biggest manhunt in British history to catch the red-faced nutbag after he shot his ex-girlfriend and her new fella. But rather than lay low and figure out a way to flee the country, Moat shot a cop and then called the police to complain they weren’t “taking me seriously enough”. They sure took him seriously after that: he was killed during a stand-off with the police. (The cops say he shot himself.)


Lindsay Lohan
Threw a wobbly after being sent to prison for breaking the terms of her parole — even her mum called the 90-day sentence “so not fair” — then made things worst by flashing her “f**k u” fingernails at the judge.

Jim Joyce: baseball umpire who denied pitcher perfect game
A “perfect game” for a baseball pitcher is when no batter on the other team reaches first base at all: 27 outs over nine innings with no hits, no walks, no errors, no fouls. In 150 years of major league baseball, it’s only happened 20 times — that’s roughly one for every 20,000 games. And it almost happened again in June when Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga was one batter away from a perfect game — until first base umpire Jim Joyce called the Cleveland Indians’ Jason Donald safe when he wasn’t. The replay showed Donald was clearly out, and even Joyce cried when he saw the replay and realised his mistake. “I cost that kid a perfect game,” he blubbered afterwards. 

General Stanley McChrystal: fired after bagging White House in Rolling Stone magazine
Was the four-star general in charge of the war in Afghanistan, before showing off for a journalist from Rolling Stone and slagging off President Obama, US Vice President Joe Biden, US National Security Advisor Jim Jones, and US Special Representative to Afghanistan and Pakistan, Richard Holbrooke. 

Mel abuses a reporter on live TV

Mel's nasty rant!

So which person do you think is the biggest fool? Post your comments below.

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  • being-oz

    Mel the monster. Ageing gracefully is now out of the question

    Australians were once very proud of him.

  • matt_adams

     respect to Grigory Perelman 

  • woodduck

    God I love that K-Rudd pic. haha

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