Whether you’re entrenched in a cohabitation war of attrition or happily single, Valentine’s Day can be an extremely stressful time. Do it right and you’ve got the rest of the year off, but if you stuff it up, you’ll be your girl’s go-to man when she’s swapping man-hating stories with her friends in-between pillow fights at the next pyjama party (er, that’s what happens at those things, right?). Anyway, here’s ten tips to ensure the big day goes smoothly.1 - Lower her expectations
Think of it like this: if you’ve been lost in the desert for weeks and then stumble delirious into a muddy pond, you’ll still swear it tastes like the sweat dripping off Miranda Kerr’s curvy topside. So, in the week preceding the big day, just act like yourself, but even less helpful. Then, when February 14 rolls around, she’ll be so used to your piss-poor behaviour that a romantic trip to a Maccas drive-through and a few pints at the local will seem like a godsend.2 - Do something musical
John Mayer. Just look at him, he’s got a face like the back end of a bus. However, he does tear up eight different types of awesomeness on the guitar. With a bit of practice, this could be you, too. Sure, you might not ascend to Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson-bedding levels straight away, but with persistence, you never know. For now, just be happy that people assume you’re musically gifted. Trust us on this one, just holding a guitar gets you laid.
3 - Buy flowers
In a recent survey, 66 per cent of women said they related flowers to powerful, mysterious men, so even if you look like Colin Farrell after a three-day bender, suddenly you’re a swashbuckling Zorro. At the pub and can’t be arsed moving? Well, then, just Google how to make paper roses (it’s surprisingly easy) and guess what? Now you’re Zorro who also knows origami! There’s not a woman alive who doesn’t want to get down with a mysterious gent with a penchant for arts ’n’ crafts.
4 - Make sure you smell good
Women associate scents with memories — so wear something that reminds her of one of your more romantic nights, and not the time you got hammered and drooled over the waitress at dinner all night. Don’t wear anything too common, either, as it will bring back memories of her cheating ex-boyfriend or deadbeat dad, or even the last five desperate guys who swaggered up to her wearing their three-day-old stench as a second skin. 5 - Be unexpected
Remember when Richard Gere tackled his fear of heights and climbed Julia Roberts’ fire escape in Pretty Woman? Of course you don’t, but for future reference, dating hookers is an ill-advised move. Anyway, just over 76 per cent of girls say a surprise
is more of a turn-on than dinner at a fancy restaurant. So preparing a few surprises in the days beforehand, even if it’s a picture message of something sappy you wrote in the sand, will pay massive dividends come the big day. Get it right and hopefully it’ll make her temporarily forget about the rest of your embarrassing shortcomings.
6 - Don’t spend a fortune
Don’t stress, 52 per cent of women claim that spending between $25 and $75 on Valentine’s Day is more than enough to guarantee you a bed buddy. Thank her father for this — all those years assuring her that arts ’n’ crafts disasters were exactly what her wanted for Father’s Day has left women believing it really is the thought that counts. So all you need is a little glitter, a heart-shaped piece of cardboard, some glue and, voila, you’re set!7 - Spend a fortune
Blowing all your hard-earned on a plasma telly is worth it, right? The same could be said for Valentine’s Day. Think of it as an investment opportunity: one day of blowing cash for her enjoyment will raise your stock in her eyes and, if things don’t work out, you’ve left her with an unbeatable Valentine’s Day that she gets reminded of every year. Girls like that kind of stuff, so the next time she doesn’t want to spend the night alone, guess who she’ll be calling to “catch up”. That’s right, it’s you, big fella.8 - Do it a day early
Restaurants always jack up the price on Valentine’s Day. Think of all the cash you could save if you just moved the festivities a day forward. Hopefully after that, she’ll be too stuffed to actually do anything on the day other than laze around in bed. She gets to tell her pals that she spent all day in the sack, which is semi-romantic, and you get to boast to your pals how your missus wouldn’t let you leave the bedroom, which makes you sound like a sexual Superman. Everyone wins!9 - Avoid overly “significant” gifts
Women exist in a rarefied air that only the likes of Tom Hanks could survive in: secret symbols are everywhere they turn. Give her a crock pot? She’s just a kitchen-hand to you. Sexy lingerie? You’re just buying a gift for yourself, you dirty perv. And if you so much as entertain the thought of buying her a ring, she’ll be doing seating arrangements for your wedding quicker than you can say, “Woah, I thought it was a metaphor for sex.”10 - Spend your money wisely
Consumers pay an average of $102.50 on gifts for their significant other every V-Day. And that doesn’t even include bribing your room-mate to clear out of the house just so your missus will stop asking “what’s that shadow outside your door” every time you get down to business. Basically, you’re paying for sex but without the guarantee of getting it. That’s just bad investment strategy. Instead, why not pay for an escort? It’s a sure thing, there’s no need to dress up, and you get a free breath mint… so we, er, hear.
Check out the gallery for the whole shoot!