Hey Wil! How’s things?
Good thanks. These interviews always feel a bit like a weird blind date. It’s like that show The Millionaire Matchmaker, have you seen it?

Er, no. Are you a millionaire yet?
F**k, no! I work at the ABC, mate. I earn more per year in stationery stolen from their cupboards. That’s the thing about the ABC — you can never plug any of the other shit you’re doing. It’s like being in the world’s highest profile witness-location program. Did you hear about the Channel 7 security guard that Tasered the Channel Nine security guard? I was just impressed they had Tasers. If that happened at the ABC, our security would take their shoes off, rub their socks on the carpet and try to give them an electric shock that way.

The Gruen Tranfer has kicked off again — are you pumped?
Yeah, but we hadn’t been on for a year and, first week back, we were up against the State Of Origin! The ABC could’ve at least waited ’til the MasterChef finale.

Why do your two panel regulars, Russel Howcroft and Todd Sampson, hate each other so much?
Off-camera, they get on well — they just disagree on about ten per cent of stuff. Todd looks at advertising as a way to heal the world, while Russel thinks it can buy him big gold houses, fur cars and money to mop up his tears.

The term “the Gruen transfer” refers to “designed disorientation cues” in malls to entrance shoppers. Has that ever happened to you?
Shit, yeah! That’s me in JB HiFi. Once, I was at home and I looked around and thought, “If all else fails, I can always open my own JB HiFi.” I have more stock than they do! I was in my office the other day, watching Friday Night Lights, crying, and I thought to myself, “Wil, what has your life become?” I’m like a classic Gruen case — I go out to buy milk and come home with a flatscreen TV.

George Romero was right — zombies and shopping malls go hand in hand.
And you can never find your f**king car! At my local Westfield, the cars are all on a f**king rotisserie. You come back and your vehicle’s switched levels! There’s no clocks, the temperature is static — and it’s all so you’ll shop more!

Have you used any subliminal evil to market your stand-up shows?
No, I’m very bliminal. I’m straight up: “Come see my show!” I’m not very clever. I’ve learned nothing. 

Why only one “l” in your name?
Laziness. As a child, I worked out that if you spell it with one “l”, it’s still said the same way. Over the years, I’ve saved countless hours not writing the extra letter. Which I now spend watching DVD box sets alone in my office.

You have strong ties to Canberra. What’s the appeal of the Land Of The Perpetual Roundabout?
Porn, fireworks and pot. But every time I go back there now, they seem to have banned something else I liked.

What about all those stories of druids and pagan ceremonies in the forest? Apparently, there’s public servants who are big into wicca.
Yeah, the drugs really were great in Canberra. It’s one of those cities where if someone said, “Hey, did you hear they just uncovered an underground sex dungeon, filled with midgets?”, you’d be like, “Meh, I’m not surprised”.

How come that smarmy journo Catherine Deveny got fired for her smart-arse Tweets during the Logies but you got away with it?
Well, I didn’t have a job, so it was hard for me to get fired. I guess I could have fired myself. I actually had some right-wing radio guy call me up on-air, saying, “How dare you imply John Mayer has herpes!” And my reply was, “Mate, I was just so pissed on the night, I couldn’t spell ‘gonorrhoea’”.

What about your “Bondi Rescue won but didn’t thank Asians who can’t swim” comment? You realise if you ever get caught in a rip in Bondi, the lifeguards will look the other way?
No, because those guys know the great role that drunk backpackers and Asians who can’t swim play in the success of that show. Where would shows like Border Security be without Asians who we can make look suspicious for TV?

Backstage at the Logies, what did Brian McFadden say about your remark that he was “talentless” and should “f**k off”?
I didn’t see him but, amazingly, I got a message from him on Twitter when all the shit went down, saying, “F**k ’em if they can’t take a joke, bro”. And I was like, “Y’know what, mate? You’ve just taken all the fun out of taking the piss out of you. Damn!”

What about his fiancé, Delta? Can you make fun of her, instead?
Ha ha! I can’t — Brian McFadden’s my mate now!

Do you reckon she really drinks that rank soy milk she’s always pushing on TV? Was it on her table?
I don’t think so. Incidentally, Will Minson, who plays for my team — the Western Bulldogs — almost died from drinking soy milk. How’s that for a football injury? I tend to avoid it nowadays.

How do you feel about having a ranga PM? We know you were hoping for Pauline Hanson, but this is sort of the next best thing, isn’t it?
Ha ha! Well, I’m glad Kevin’s gone. Ever since he nearly died eating a Dagwood Dog at the footy, that’s when he lost me. Gillard could eat a Dagwood Dog. She could suck back a Pluto Pup and then have a couple of pies. And she barracks for the Western Bulldogs, so I like her.

Do you get off on watching a fellow comic dying onstage?
No, but there are comedians out there who love it. If a comic’s dying, suddenly these guys will appear at the back of the room in their pyjamas — they were at home, 40km away, but somehow sensed it and showed up. I don’t like to watch it. The other day, someone sent me a clip of the worst comedian deaths — it took me longer to watch than 2girls1cup. And I had pretty much the same reaction.

There’s an old saying: “Air hostesses and breakfast radio hosts age the quickest.” Do you subscribe to that?
It’s true. Breakfast radio makes you fat and grumpy at about one o’clock in the arvo. You could be interviewing Nelson Mandela and you’d be like, “Hey, Nelson. You’ve done some pretty cool things for the world, but I would be happy to stab you and sleep inside your warm corpse”.

Since Andrew Denton has syndicated The Gruen Transfer overseas, do you get any residual kickbacks?
Nah, I get nothin’. That guy is a smart businessman and I’m just the monkey that sits in the middle and tells the dick jokes. But I do have a lot of old DVDs, if people want to contact me…

Is he like a svengali figure? Do people genuflect when he swishes down the hall of the ABC?
I genuflect, but that’s because he’s tiny and I have to bow to talk to him.

Thanks for your time, Wil. Be sure to pick up a copy of ZOO to see how we’ve misquoted you…
You know, the one thing I miss about working at Triple M was my free copy of ZOO. If I’d ever gone on The Einstein Factor, ZOO could’ve been my specialist subject. I used to love reading it. But now I have to put my own hand in my pocket, I haven’t been reading it as much.

Fear not, we’ll post you a copy.
Deal!

The Gruen Transfer is on the ABC at 9pm, Wednesdays. To check out Wil’s stand-up comedy gig dates, visit: www.wilanderson.com.au

Related stories:
IN THE ZOO WITH... WIL ANDERSON 
JESSE JANE AND TARRA WHITE INTERVIEW 
PAMELA ANDERSON'S BANNED COMMERCIAL 
IN THE ZOO WITH... JIM JEFFERIES 
BABE OF THE DAY: TARRA WHITE 
IN THE ZOO WITH... BILL BAILEY 
5 MINUTES WITH... CHRIS SHIFLETT 
ZOO CHATS WITH JENSON BUTTON 
IN THE ZOO WITH... ADRIEN BRODY 
5 MINUTES WITH... BRITISH INDIA