G’day, Jason. There’s a disturbing naked picture of you on the internet with a snake on your lap. Please explain!
Doing the ol’ “Jason Byrne naked” Google search, eh? I was doing a promotional poster for the Edinburgh Festival and I was waiting for the photo shoot to start when my PR lady casually mentioned that I was going to be holding some snakes. The photographer set about trying to convince me that it would be hilarious if I would take off all my clothes and sit on a chair while these snakes were covering my genitals.

Weren’t you worried about, y’know, having your bits bitten?
Not at all. My knob went into survival mode and just disappeared. I’m not sure where, but as soon as that snake touched me, mini-Jason was gone. The freakiest bit of the shoot was the snake guy revealing that he’d arrived via the Tube.

What’s so freaky about riding public transport? We hear people do that all the time.
Just imagine this: he’s had these bloody reptiles in his bag while other passengers are just sitting around completely unaware. That could have been you.

We’re more worried about the toxic smell of urine on buses. There are a lot of Irish backpackers in Australia who get labelled with the typical Irish stereotype. How close to the mark is it?
Ha ha! Oh, God! When I was in Sydney last year I met a lot of stereotypes that I didn’t believe existed. No matter what pub I went to, there was always a hoard of Irish people there. None of them had any money but they were spending every last penny on drink. They all looked as if they were sleeping in the same room, and I found out they were even sharing razors…


At least we love the Irish singing.
Oh… oh, the singing. They’ll always start singing those f**king Irish songs, won’t they? We don’t even sing them at home, why the hell are they singing them in Sydney?

We heard from a semi-reliable source that you’re a big Manchester United fan and you got to do their Christmas party. Did you spend the whole time trading bedroom war stories with Rooney and the boys?
Of all the corporate gigs I’ve ever done, this was probably the most boring. I got to Old Trafford [home ground of Manchester United] all excited, only to find out the party was actually down in the car park marquee. I get there expecting to shake hands with Wayne Rooney and all the boys, and it’s just the groundskeepers and a bunch of corporate nobodies.

You’ve done a heap of interviews in your time, what are the most annoying queries that you hate having to answer every time?
Ha ha! You know, I’ve been waiting for you to ask me how I started out in stand-up or who my favourite comedian is. It does my head in.

So, how did you…
Shut up.

Right. Did you know there’s another Jason Byrne who does cruise ship sorcery shows?
The magician bloke, yeah? With the ponytail?And the fake tan. Of course! He’s great looking, isn’t he! What a shit name for a magician. He’s not even called “The Great Jason” or anything. I’d love to have a fight with him for the right to have that name.

But he knows magic.
So did Harry Potter, though. I’d take them both. No fire in hell burns more brightly than my hair — surely that counts for something?

You lost six kilos in a month a few years back at the Edinburgh Festival through non-stop boozing. Could this be the next health fad?
I couldn’t recommend it to anyone over 30. All I’d do is get up at 4pm every day, have some hot water and honey, do a show, drink myself stupid, sleep for
12 hours, and then start again.

Sounds like a great diet.
It was! It would kill me if I tried it now, though. It’s a young man’s diet.

You’re going to be out here soon, would you like to take this opportunity to offend anyone first?
Well, last year I got into a bit of trouble for making fun of Kevin Rudd’s wife. I said, “Jeez, Kevin Rudd’s looking well, but who’s the special child that he’s got following him around?” I’m hoping to keep it going this year, but I’m not sure who to attack. One thing I love about Kevin Rudd is that he went around the world essentially saving your arses by seeing what everyone else did and then running back to Australia with a massive list of things not to do.

Sounds like you’re a little bitter that you didn’t get the $900 handout.
More than a little. I heard he gave it to dead people as well…

And some New Zealanders.
So, essentially anyone who’s been in Australia for the last 50 years. Where’s my cheque? That’s it! This year Rudd’s getting a second serving — his missus as well!

• Catch Jason when he tours Australia from March 18 - April 24, Jason Byrne: The Byrne Identity available now on DVD exclusively from JB Hi Fi and ABC Shops

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