G’day guys! You gave away Carlton Draught’s $200,000 prize... which turned out to be a golden pint glass. So what was more of a raw deal — the mug with the Midas touch or Arnie’s 1986 dodgy action flick Raw Deal?
Andy: Oooh... tough call.
Hamish: If it’s an original print of the movie, then I would say that’s worth well over $200,000.
Andy: Digitally remastered and all that, it’s hard to go past Arnie.
Hamish: You’re looking at $5-6 million at least, so as much as I loved the pint, Arnie was solid in that movie.
Andy: With the prize, I’m just glad they went gold and not oil. A few barrels of oil, while being worth $200,000, just doesn’t have the same allure as a solid gold pint.
Hamish: I don’t know. I’d be pretty happy if I was awarded a small share in one of the Saudi’s oil wells.

Can you say “beer can” without sounding like a Jamaican saying “bacon”?
Hamish: Beer can.
Andy: Wow, you can’t.
Hamish: Beer can.
Andy: How did we ever miss this?
Hamish: It sounds like I have dreadlocks and am about to enter an optimistic bobsled team in the Calgary games.
Andy: Ha ha! That one question could possibly earn ZOO its first Pulitzer.

Now that you two have conquered the majority of the media’s formats, is it time you went into…
Hamish: Soft porn. Yes, it’s long overdue.

... Er, were going to say theatre restaurants.
Hamish: Oh… Well, I guess that could work, too.
Andy: See, that’s why this will never work, because I’m all for the hardcore porn. If only we could combine them...

What? Soft and hardcore porn?
Hamish: No, porn and restaurants.

Then again, strip joints do buffets...
Andy: Yeah, but really, where’s the pizazz in that?
Hamish: It’ll never happen, anyway. Andy and I have been at loggerheads for years about which type of porn we’d do. I’m all for baby steps but Andy just wants to jump straight into hardcore.
Andy: It’s true.
Hamish: I love it in theory, I really do, but you don’t navigate like I do, Andy. Trust me on this one.



Er, moving on. Do you ever wonder if infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Hamish: I think infants don’t have a choice about infancy. I think...
Andy: See, to me, it seems like they enjoy it just as much.
Hamish: You do have a choice about adultery and until we bring in laws that allow infants to marry, and therefore commit adultery, I don’t really see an end to this most pressing of questions.

Expanding your media empire in such a short amount of time puts you amongst a select group. Is not starting in radio where all other evil geniuses have gone wrong?
Hamish: To be honest, I’m a bit disappointed with our lair-building ability — which is something most evil geniuses have over us.
Andy: Definitely. Our lair is rubbish — most of it is just office supplies stolen from the radio station.

So if radio is the key to taking over the world, what’s next?
Andy: The next step for us is a small lad’s magazine called Open Range. It’s eerily similar to ZOO Weekly, actually.
Hamish: Our staff will not be kept in cages, however, because I think that’s really harsh of you guys.

Outside of work, do you find it hard to not preface all your conversations with your studio line 131 060?
Andy: Ha ha! That’s my direct mobile, so I’ve already got it covered.
Hamish: Well, I only ask questions where the answer is one-hundred-and-thirty-one-thousand-and-sixty.

You’ve got over 650,000 fans on Facebook, which is more than Alf Stewart and ALF the furry space alien combined. Did you ever dream your careers would reach such lofty heights?
Hamish: Well, a lot of people in Australia have dreamed of having the double Alf, or the Alf quinella as I like to refer to it…
Andy: Or of just beating Alf Stewart into submission.
Hamish: Exactly. But what I’d really like is if there is anyway we can possibly top Alphonse Gangitano as well.
Andy: Maybe not top him as in a full-on execution, but having more friends on Facebook is certainly a worthy goal.
Hamish: The triple Alf is what we have really always hoped for. As soon as that is done, I imagine we’ll probably retire.

You share a lot of your personal lives on the radio. Is there enough private information out there for the inevitable rise of Hamish and Andy impersonators?
Hamish: If someone really wanted to build a robot to do corporate events as us, our personalities could probably fit inside a memory of 32 gigabytes.
Andy: A top of the range memory stick.
Hamish: From 1994.

Hamish, you did the “schnitzel challenge” for your show a while back and didn’t finish. Why not?
Hamish: Well, it was a kilo of schnitzel, a massive plate of chips and a litre of beer in under an hour. No mortal could do it.

Um, we did it 32 minutes.
Andy: I knew it! I told Hamish that you looked familiar! We saw your picture on the wall plaque.
Hamish: I had two firsts that night — I actually believed a piece of chicken had the ability to kill me, and I was followed into the bathroom by a man who was curious if I was going to throw up. Neither of those I want to relive.
Andy: If only there was some kind of reverse-stomach stapling where you could get a second stomach built in...


Much like a granny flat?
Hamish: Exactly. Don’t worry, Australia. I’ll beat that schnitzel. I don’t want the Austrians laughing at us. This means war.
Andy: Are you even qualified to declare war on foodstuffs, let alone countries?
Hamish: Yes.

We’ve heard word that you boys are self-regulated on-air. Is that true, or just another vicious rumour?
Hamish: Well, there’s a giant barrel of pellets that we’re allowed to eat at any one time. I mean, we don’t have to ask for permission to eat a pellet, but… if we have too many, they say they’re going to take them away from us. We then have to press a lever to get one.

Rrright…
Hamish: But in terms of swearing, I think we’re self-regulated. Hmmm... maybe we should check that out.
Andy: We’ve never had a visit from anyone from the government to tell us what we can and cannot do — I think they just rely on our common sense.

And that’s supposed to be a good thing?
Andy: Apparently.




So which one is your favourite, Hamish or Andy? Leave your comments below.