G’day, Bill. You’ve touched on some tough subjects in your stand-up, like the Iraq war, homelessness… and, er, baking cannabis.
Yes, I occasionally use the stage as my own pedestal.

So what’s the best way to bake cannabis?
Ha-ha! Of course, addressing the tough issues first. The best thing to do is call up one of your relatives and get the recipe for flapjacks. They combine well.

You’re talking from personal experience?
Yes, I did it once in college. I baked it all into a flapjack and forgot to tell anyone, and basically ruined the party. A hundred people were dancing, singing and laughing, and then there was 100 people just sitting on sofas, salivating at food commercials with the music still blaring. I ruined it. Absolutely ruined it.


What’s your take on the whole Twilight tween vampire saga at the moment?
What a bunch of whinging emos driving Volvos. What happened to horror films? They’re supposed to be scary but here there’s a vampire turning up in a Volvo. What’s scary about that?

Well, he’s a vampire with feelings...
I know. It’s kind of like pop culture has become this massive line of self indulgence. “Woe is me” gets old after a while. Try smiling, kids, it’s not terribly hard.

There was an online petition about getting you into The Hobbit, and another about you entering Eurovision...
Oh Christ, don’t talk to me about these bloody petitions!

Okay, well then…
Actually, no, I have to face my demons. On with the question…

If you started your own petition, what would it be for?
That’s easy: I want to be the only comedian to ever go to the Moon. After I’m there, no-one else is allowed. That’ll be my legacy.

So you’re starting small, then?
Yeah, that’ll do for now, and then I’ll build up to something a lot more important and far-fetched because, really, space travel is a bit frivolous, isn’t it? It’s a bit of an indulgence, because when people come back, all they have is a bit of dust. What’s so exciting about that? It amazes me that we can fly to the Moon, but we can’t sort bin collection out. How hard is it to pick up bins on the same day every week? I painstakingly sort out all my recycling and the bin men just come and chuck it all into the same truck, the bastards!


To read the whole interview be sure to check out this week's ZOO Weekly!

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