IN THE ZOO WITH... THE CHASER

20 August 2010

Freaks

3 stars

Comments:1

Howdy, fellas. To be frank, we’re a tad disappointed you’re not doing this interview in red Speedos...
Julian: Ha ha! Well, we kind of feel if you go out in red sluggos now, you’ve got to take a number and join the queue. Besides, as we descend into flabby middle age, our Speedo shoots tend to take on a different form of comedy — one we’re not that keen to explore.

You mean both “slap” and “stick”, we’re guessing? Still, which poses a greater threat to our national security — budgie smugglers or people smugglers?
Julian: Budgie smugglers, definitely. I know I personally feel very insecure whenever I see Tony Abbott wearing them. But perhaps not as insecure as he does... say, when he’s in the presence of someone of different sexuality. Now that’s really insecure...

Do you think it’s somewhat unfortunate that the leader of the Greens is called Brown? Doesn’t it imply his policies, whilst carbon-neutral and eco-sensitive, are still slightly shitty?
Julian: Yes, what a hypocrite. Look, I think “brown” is pretty strong a word for Bob’s character — “beige” is probably closer to the mark. But let’s face it — there’s not too many people being green in this campaign, so why should Bob?

Don’t you think Julia Gillard resembles the Red Queen in Alice In Wonderland — she’s a ranga, she repeats herself a lot and she has a thing for decapitation?
Julian: Hmm, I imagine ZOO readers are more familiar with the literature of Lewis Carroll than me, but from what I can recall, I’m not sure the Queen was dating a hairdresser…

It could have been the Mad Hatter…
Julian: Oh, it was the Hatter? Oh well, that’s at least something. And given some of the haircuts going around in the Labor Party, a hat would be a good option. You know, Julia’s hair is a gift to impersonators, but thankfully the deep sexism of The Chaser team means we haven’t stooped to donning a red wig... yet. That comes in the second episode.

Have you noticed how her hair keeps changing hues? It’s gone from blood orange, to auburn, to Dame Edna Everage-esque purple, to a flaming Days Of Thunder-era Nicole Kidman…
Julian: I think you’re right. It represents the threat or alert level that Tony Abbott needs to worry about on a day-by-day basis — if the colour is a little washed-out, Tony should make it through the day without being verbally attacked. But if it’s a really hot red, he better watch out. I’d really like it to match the shade of his budgie smugglers — we’d have political Armageddon on our hands.

Does a redhead in the PM’s chair send the wrong message to bloodnuts and fanta pants everywhere — that they can aspire to positions beyond their genetic right?
Julian: Umm, I think that’s a very offensive question... but yes, I agree 100 per cent. You’re absolutely right there.

Moving on…
Julian: You mean moving forward?

Moving forward, Tony Abbott appeared as a judge on Red Faces the other night. In light of this and considering Obama’s popularity, do you think Abbott should go black-face during his election campaign?
Chas: Ha ha! Well, I don’t think it would make him any less popular.
Julian: Realistically, I think Harry Connick Jr would give Tony a zero no matter what outfit he performed in.

Isn’t it strange that not one single political commentator has considered the highly probable scenario that Kevin Rudd could stage a military coup and wrest back control of the country?
Chas: Ha ha! You’re right, they’ve really dropped the ball in not considering that question. A conspiracy, perhaps?
Julian: I somehow doubt the Australian military would take on a man of his fearsome temper — they’d all just hide in their barracks.
Chas: Yeah. No way. Not with his arsenal of weaponry. He could bore them to death.

Speaking of political commentators: What’s up with The 7.30 Report’s Kerry O’Brien — is that thing on his head a rug or is it real? It seems too immaculate a blow-dried creation to exist in nature?
Chas: Ah yes, you’re referring to the famed red merkin!
Julian: It’s well-known around the ABC that Kerry spends more time in the make-up, hair and prosthetic chair than any of the female presenters.
Chas: Not only is the hair not real, but neither is the nose, the eyes, the mouth and the ears.
Julian: Yes, Kerry actually died in 1987. He’s purely animatronic now.

Like Kerry, will The Chaser be skewering any pollies on Yes We Canberra?
Julian: We’ll probably be somewhere subtly between a skewer and a ritual impalement. Maybe more a like a toothpick in the toe. Hard to inflict a mortal wound, but really, really annoying.

Aside from, say, Andrew Bolt…
Julian: [shuddering]… Please, please don’t say “Andrew Bolt”.

… who would you like to see head up the new jackbooted secret police division of the Young Liberals?
Chas: Hmm, I don’t really care who the person is, but I would like them to have a really contagious virus of some kind. Facial herpes or something.

Woah! Hold on, aren’t you guys meant to be apolitical? Or neutral, at least?
Chas: We are! Just ask me what I think of Labor — I’m an equal opportunity hater.

Okay, so if Julia was Brutus to Kevin Rudd’s Julius Caesar, can we expect Toby Abbott, if elected, to be similarly stabbed in the back by Wilson Tuckey?
Julian: You lost me at “if elected…”
Chas: To follow your literary analogy further, if Abbott is Mark Antony, he doesn’t require anyone to lend him any ears.
Julian: Ha ha! Very true. Oh, Chas has had that one in storage for years, just waiting for a right moment to use it. Nice one!
Chas: Thanks. It’s ZOO, so I thought a quote from the Bard was appropriate.

You guys have appropriated Barack Obama’s slogan in Yes We Canberra…
Chas: … If I can just interrupt you there, he actually stole ours — we’ve had this show planned for years!
Julian: Yes, and we’re very pissed off he plagiarised us.

But given he’s taken it, can we expect any other US-style campaigning on the show? Y’know, maybe some guest commentary by Monica Lewinsky on who should get the “head job”...
Chas: Ha ha! Oh dear, I love your work. But yes, I can see a lot of American-style politics infecting this election. Particularly people wanting to assassinate us. Apart from that, Obama has 60 million people loving him, while we have… well, we just love ourselves.
Julian: But we have millions who hate us.
Chas: True. Oh, and one of the other members of The Chaser hates us, too.

If ZOO were successful in nominating Warwick Capper for Prime Minister, would he have your vote?
Julian: What? The hung-like-a-donkey vote?
Chas: He’d have my vote provided he continued to be a meter maid — if he could be Australia’s first meter maid Prime Minister!

We’re confused by Tony Abbott’s catch-cry in skirting the Work Choices question: “dead, buried, cremated”. Technically speaking, if you’ve buried something that’s dead, only to dig it up again to douse it in kerosene and immolate it, that’s worrying…
Chas: I think you’ve hit right upon it — it’s basically what you’d do to a vampire. And right now, Work Choices seems like a vampire to Tony Abbott.

And why did the Libs couch it in that sort of euphemistic terminology? Wouldn’t “Indentured Servitude” or “Slave Labour” be more appropriate?
Chas: Ha ha! I think they need to be more creative. If I was doing the branding, it’d be something like “Work MasterChef”.

In Iceland, a comedian ran for mayor as a joke, and actually won — if The Chaser were elected, what would you guys do?
Chad: I’d embezzle. I’d embark upon a very fierce program of embezzling reform.
Julian: I’d start a morals campaign, and try and improve the standard of decency in the current Australian media. The Chaser would be first to get booted... and then ZOO.

Will you be burning any effigies on the show? And failing that, how about burning Andrew G?
Chas: Ha ha! That’s a great idea!
Julian: Well, look, I don’t know if the ABC’s stringent safety procedures would even allow something as flammable as Andrew G’s hair to even be on-set.

We hear a lot about all these bleeding heart-types who like to typify deporting boat people as “cruel”, but do you think a PR boost could work if we not only turned the boats around, but loaded them up with unwanted Australian celebrities — like Delta Goodrem, Rove McManus, David Koch, Richard Wilkins, etc?
Chas: I like your thinking, but really, that question is not complete without adding Kyle Sandilands to the list.
Julian: It’s funny you should say, because I believe Channel Nine has just chartered a boat for the entire cast of Hey Hey It’s Saturday — they’re going to drive the whole lot back into the ocean, sink it, and then burley the water.
Chas: It’s worth a shot. And if that doesn’t work, I think a bullet for all the people on that list is worth a shot.

The Chaser have done a lot of stupid stunts in the past — you’ve crashed APEC dressed as Osama bin Laden, you’ve rappelled down Kevin Rudd’s church, etc — but one great prize has so far eluded you: gaining entry to the Emirates Marquee during Melbourne Cup. Must be a big regret?
Chas: Yes, yes… look, it’s true. But our career isn’t over yet. And I emphasis “yet”. But that is a great regret. And you know why? It’s because the Emirates Marquee is in Melbourne and a flight down there is essentially three-quarters of The Chaser’s annual budget. So maybe, when they move the Melbourne Cup to Sydney, a block away from the ABC, so we don’t even have to pay for a cab, that’s when we’ll be crashing it.

Do you address your svengali Andrew Denton as “Sensei” or “Grand Wizard”?
Julian: Ha ha! Actually, we call him “the Giant Dwarf”. And he quite likes it — it improves his stature in two senses.

Are the rumours Denton is auditioning for the role of Bilbo Baggins in Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit true?
Julian: Damn, I can’t believe that information has leaked already!
Chas: The rumours are definitely not true. Mainly because Andrew Denton cannot, under any circumstances, act.

So it’s not that his feet aren’t furry enough?
Julian: Oh, they’re definitely furry enough.

We’re guessing you’d know having to massage them each day, Julian?
Julian: Well, I once sucked Kerri-Anne Kennerley’s toes, so stroking the fine down on Andrew Denton’s feet was nothing.
Chas: Actually, “sucking” is a bit passive a word for what Julian did to her. He really hoed down on them things.
Julian: She had the finest toes in Australian television — she was worried they were quite dirty, but believe me, they were the cleanest, most manicured toes I’d sucked on all week.

Did you just suck them clean or did you anoint them in frankincense and myrrh?
Julian: I anointed them in the bacon ’n’ egg sandwich I’d had for breakfast, actually.

We hate to bring up your nemesis Paul McDermott but he has this irritating habit of manufacturing opportunities to bust out vaguely comedic show-tunes – will Andrew Hansen be doing the same in Yes We Canberra, or have you taken the precaution of muzzling him?
Julian: We’ve actually pulled Andrew aside and spoken to him about this, and we’re quite willing to let him play piano on the show… provided Paul McDermott is singing.

Are you guys personally saddened by the disappointing news that Kyle Sandilands’ wife, Tamara, has left him? Pfft, as if she could do better!
Chas: I am quite saddened by it. Mainly because it means it’s inevitable at some stage another woman is going to have to sleep with Kyle. Tamara was taking a hit for the whole team for a while there, but now someone else has to feel the pain.

We’re championing the donkey vote at ZOO by running an actual donkey as a candidate. Thoughts?
Chas: You know, I think it’s great Wilson Tuckey is getting out there. Good on ZOO for getting behind him. He sure has my vote.

Forget the donkey vote - this is what happens if you cross a Zebra with a Donkey