ZOO Weekly


28 April 2011
0 stars


With all due respect, we aren’t all that excited about the wedding between the boring prince and the hot rich chick. Mainly because Prince Harry, with his fondness for hard partying and deeply inappropriate costumes, is our favourite royal and the fact that once Kate Middleton becomes Princess Catherine, she’ll have to dress more conservatively. The ceremony is a day away, but we’ve got some last-minute tips to help you get through it.

With the exception of driving, drinking makes everything better. The telecast of the ceremony is scheduled to go for between three and four hours, which means plenty of quality time to throw back. We recommend forking out for a bottle of Pol Roger champagne (it’ll set you back less than $50), which is supposedly the official bubbly of the event, and chugging away. If all goes well, you’ll pass out at the half hour mark. 


General obnoxious behaviour

Chicks love weddings possibly more than dudes dig sport. If the missus is having the girls over so they can sigh about the exquisite flower arrangements, you need to rise to the occasion. Don’t be rude; just be a pain in the a---. Toss a tennis ball up in the air until it begins to annoy everyone or, better yet, feign interest. Keep asking questions like: “Who’s that guy?”, “Do you even support the Monarchy?” and “Where were you when Princess Diana died?” Back that up with quotes from The King’s Speech. If all goes well, you might be able to clear the room. 

Angry Birds, NBA Jam, Stick Cricket, Words With Friends – take your pick. True, you probably won’t get four hours worth of distraction from your Apps but you can kill the rest of the time by hooking into the nearest wireless outlet and watching your 'men-only' site. Watch it with the sound on to make any houseguests feel really uncomfortable. 

Call in some support
Obviously, you don’t need to go it alone. If you don’t have multiple TVs, you can rule out a night of gaming or action flicks with the fellas. Not to worry. Buy a case, some cigars and have yourself a poker night. Obviously, that requires some effort, so you can always just head down the pub this Friday. In a patriotic move, Channel Nine are televising the NRL instead of the wedding.

Declaration of war
If you’re really against this wedding and want to pour water on whatever festivities your girl has organised to celebrate it, all you need to do is make a phone call. Drop Strippergrams.com.au a line and request a show from one of their resident Fatagrams. It will most likely result in you no longer having a girlfriend, so give it some thought before you dial.

Over to you: Will you be watching the Royal Wedding?

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  • kellza

    Partying *
    I"m sure u knew what I meant :P

  • kellza

    It's My Birthday 2moro
    So I'll be out parting all night long !!

  • metalbowser

    i'm not gonna watch the wedding but the football will be just as boring

  • jaydo_05

    who the f watches that **** when the friday nite footy is on

  • Volk

    If anyone tries to make me watch it I will tell them I would rather pull my finger nails out with pliers.

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