Zoo's relationship guru John Aiken answers your tricky relationship questions...
This week's question:
My name is Julie and I have been in a relationship with my partner for four years 7 months. It started out very rocky, as he was texting other girls being very sexual. I don’t know if he has ever slept with any of them. We did break up but got back together. There has been a few times since where he has gone out and called me early in the morning saying he is with his mates, but I won’t be able to call him because his phone goes flat. I don’t know what to believe and I have no way of finding out. Plus, he has a pin on his phone and he won’t take it off. I don’t know if it’s all in my head or something really happened. What would your advice be?
Successful relationships are ones based on trust. This means that when you decide to go out with someone, it’s important that you choose a person who is honest and reliable right from the beginning. It doesn’t matter how attractive, successful, powerful and/or connected they are, you need to know that they’re committed to being with you exclusively in a long-term relationship. If they can’t give you this, then you’re wasting your time with player who’s going to break your heart.
When you’re with a player you’re going to experience an emotional rollercoaster ride. They’re going to make you feel special at times, and shower you with praise, gifts and promises. Then you’ll experience confusion as you’re not sure where they are, what they’re doing and where you stand with them. Anxiety and stress will become commonplace as you spend hours going over your relationship trying to figure out if they’re really into you or not? You’ll also get down and angry about their broken promises and inability to commit.
Rather than spending anymore precious time and energy trying to change them or make it work, you’re better off moving on to someone who will give you the commitment you’re looking for. They’re not changing, they simple want fun with no long term future.
So here are 10 tell-tale signs that you’re with a player and you need to move on:
1) They’re already attached – If you’re involved with someone who’s already married, living with their partner or is going out with someone else then they’re not serious about you. They’re not looking for a commitment, and anything you start up with them is going to end in heartache.
2) They don’t call back – If they regularly don’t call you back it’s not because they lost their phone, didn’t have cell coverage, got in too late from a meeting, or lost track of time. We’re talking about a phone call here! You’re simply not important enough to them and they’re not seeing you as having long-term potential.
3) They tell you they’re not looking for anything serious – If you’re with someone who has already told you they’re not looking for anything serious then it means they don’t want a relationship with you! They’re not speaking another language. They’re making it clear and you need to listen.
4) They keep you waiting – If the person you’re involved with constantly keeps you waiting on and runs late then you’re not important to them. They have more pressing priorities and you’re always going come second to other things in their life.
5) They put you down – If you find yourself involved with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself then this is a sign they’re toxic and you need to move on. Criticism, sarcasm, cruel put downs in public and/or personal attacks are a clear sign that things don’t have long-term potential.
6) They constantly flirt with others – This is a very clear sign that your partner isn’t into you. They need the attention of others, and they’re plagued with thoughts of the grass being greener. You’re always going to feel insecure around this sort of behaviour – so you need to cut them free.
7) They can’t be contacted – There’s nothing more frustrating and exhausting than being with someone who is difficult to contact. They may say they’re going to be in a certain place or will text at a certain time, but they don’t. What’s worse is when they can’t give you straight answers about where they’ve been. This tells you that they can’t be trusted and there’s someone out there who’s more reliable.
8) They’re secretive – If the person you’re seeing is secretive with their phone, computer passwords, bills, accounts and whereabouts then you’ve got a problem. They’re likely leading a double life and they want to keep you at arm’s length.
9) They break promises and plans – If you’re involved with someone who constantly breaks promises and plans then they’re telling you that you can’t depend on them. In short, you don’t matter as much as other commitments in their life, and it’s not going to last.
10) They avoid meeting your friends/ family – If the person you’re seeing avoids mixing with your friends/ family then look out because they don’t want to get too close. This allows them to keep things casual and fun, and stops things from getting too complicated.
Over to you. What are the tell tale signs you have a player or your hands?
For more advice and free relationship tips go to www.johnaikenadvice.com
To get free chapters of his best-selling book Accidentally Single go to www.accidentallysingle.com
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