1 - Destroy her confidence
She might be out of your league, but if she doesn’t know it, she can’t leave you for someone better. Point out that her hair’s dull and flat, she’s putting on weight and that her friends don’t really like her. Then, just when she’s hit rock bottom, hug her and tell her she’s all you’ll ever need to be happy. It’s definitely not pretty, but it works. 

2 - Bring a wingwoman
Women and men aren’t actually all that different. As soon as it looks like we can’t have something, we want it. This is true for everything from the apple on the tree of knowledge to the PlayStation game your mum said was “too violent” in primary school. So, if you’ve got a sexy wingwoman on your arm, you both might end up finding that special someone.

3 - Make her laugh lots
If you’re a broke dwarf with a club foot and a hare lip, don’t despair: girls are constantly saying they are attracted to men who can make them laugh. And while this isn’t great in noisy environments (we don’t recommend mime), it’s normally a really good “in” with chicks who look like they should be hanging off a soccer player.

4 - Dress to impress
There’s one thing that’s almost as attractive as genuine charm, and that’s cold hard cash. You don’t need to actually be loaded to get the impossibly unattainable object of your desires into the sack, though — you just need to look like you are. Comb op-shops for designer labels, talk about Saint-Tropez like you’ve been there and adopt a fake, double-barrelled surname, and you’re well on your way. See you at the club, sport!

5 - Go easy on the grog
If you’re a chick, there’s nothing worse than having some drunk try to tell you the same boring story you’ve just heard 15 times, before hurling all over your cleavage at 8.30pm. When he offers to buy her a drink, she’ll agree, hoping he’ll get lost on his way to the bar. You see that guy? That’s you after nine beers. So pace yourself, keep your shit together and remember that if you’re still standing at the end of the night, it’s a lot easier to entice someone into a cab with you.


6 - Have a crack at dancing
Okay, so the last time you danced was the heel-and-toe polka at the school bush dance, and it made you so giddy you puked everywhere. It’s a painful memory, but you’ve gotta push that aside and shake your body. Why would a hot woman want to see you dance? They don’t. But the fact that you’re willing to give it a shot shows you’re a good sport, you’re not taking yourself too seriously and you know how to have a good time. So, from now on, the only excuse not to dance is a wheelchair.


7 - Act like you don’t need her
You know that sick, claustrophobic feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when the malformed sea-cow you’ve brought home from the pub gazes at you adoringly with her one good eye and says words like “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I love you”? Well, if you’re single and reading this, you most likely make attractive women feel like this all the time. You do it when you hang off every word they say, when you try to anticipate their smallest needs, when you change the tone of your voice to a twitter whenever you address them, and when you ask them out like they’d be doing you a favour. So for God’s sake, man — relax, give yourself some credit, and remember that no-one’s actually too good for anyone.


8 - Kidnap her with charm
When Patty Hearst — the beautiful, unattainable, wealthy heiress daughter of newspaper magnate William Randolph Hearst — was kidnapped in 1974 at the age of 19, she fell in love with her oddball lefty kidnappers. If it can work for a bunch of dirty hippies in the ’70s, it can work for you.

9 - Pretend to be cultured
While this doesn’t have the same wow-factor as a kidnapping, it’s a whole lot more legal. If you can teach her about chess, Berkoff and Fellini while making fun of the fact that she’s a Philistine, you’ll be in with a shot.

10 - Buy one
There are escort agencies that stock exclusively women-who-are-out-of-your-league. Remember: this is either a last resort, or one for the terminally lazy.