Yes, we’ve heard the ballads. They’re woeful. At what point do you finally throw in the towel and retire to a nice, warm nursing home specially designed for old heavy metal gods?
I won’t — it’s what I do. I mean, Paul McCartney was asked the same in an interview too — nowadays, he’s got shit-loads of dough, so why do it? And he said, “It’s what I do.” There is no limit. It’s not that I want more money or more houses or whatever, it’s just what I do.

And the fact that your hardcore missus Sharon is standing behind you with a bullwhip and a loaded cortisone injection driving you onwards — what do you say to that?
There’s a bit of truth in that… but I can always say, “Sharon, no!” But it’s what I do — it keeps me goin’, ya know? It’s good when it’s good, and it’s bad when it’s bad. So is life.

Er, that’s profound, Ozzy. Seriously, how often do you really have the balls to stand up to Sharon? And can you even stand up unassisted anymore?
Not very often. How many married men do you know that can say no to their wives? They always get their own way.

In many ways, The Osbournes ruined your rep — you used to be this pigeon-decapitating, devil-worshipper, but now you’re seen as a loving, cuddly husband and dad who just happens to drool a little bit.
I wish my f**kin’ family would realise that! Then they’d have to love me back.

Poor Ozzy. Still, you must be proud of the way your kids have made it to adulthood without dying of a drug overdose yet? Do they still listen to your advice?
No. I’m their dad — they just go, “Yeah, Dad, f**kin’ whatever,” and just get on with what they’re doing. I’m at that stage now where my son ribs me all the time and is like, “C’mon, Dad, you can do it!” I think that’s just part of being a dad.
I’m proud of all my kids — there’s one daughter you don’t see much of, Aimee, and she’s f**kin’ beautiful. She doesn’t want anything to do with TV — she sings but she’s not in any hurry. I’ve also got another daughter from my first marriage and I’m a grandfather to three of her children, and my son from that same marriage has got two children and I’m a grandfather to them, too. You know you’re gettin’ old when you hear screams of “Grandad Ozzy!” I love it.

We hear they’re making a movie about you. Any idea who you’d like to play you in the film? Meryl Streep?
Sharon’s doin’ it all. She does all the f**king work on the TV and film side of things — I can’t handle it. But I do wanna get a guy from Birmingham to play me. At one stage, Johnny Depp was bein’ offered the role, and he was gonna do it for a while, but then I broke my f**kin’ neck [Ozzy broke his neck after falling arse-over-tit off a quad bike at his Birmingham estate], and now he’s not gonna do it. I met him a few times and he’s a nice guy, but I don’t think it’s really for him. I wanna get someone relatively unknown and who’s hungry.

Hungry for what? Bat brains? As the grandad of metal, do you still listen to much new shit, Ozzy?
Nah, I don’t listen to new metal at all. What I do listen to is old music, like The Beatles, Stones, Led Zep and Pink Floyd.

Why not? Are you worried you’ll break your neck again headbanging?
It’s not new to me. I’ve never been able to understand the word “metal” – it doesn’t have any musical connotation. Back in the ’80s, it was a blonde-haired singer with four dark-haired players in a band, all with hair and f**kin’ make-up on, ya know?

Does a big riff still fire you up?
Well, it’s changed, innit? ’Eavy metal in the ’70s was nothin’ like the ’80s, and the ’80s were nothin’ like the ’90s, and the ’90s were nothin’ like what they are now, or vice versa. For instance, on the Ozzfest, all these bands will come up to me and go, “Wow, man, you and the Sabbath guys were really a big influence on me,” and I’d think to myself, “What the f**k is my influence on that crap you just played?” They don’t sing nowadays, they just growl down the mics.

But the little metal kids still relate to you… why is that?
Dunno. It’s really weird — when I get onstage, I don’t see an older Ozzy audience or an older Sabbath audience, I see a mix of different people from all different age groups. I really don’t know why kids still like me, I’m just glad that they’re there. At least I’ve just got my eyes fixed, so at least I can see ’em all better now.

Are you still mates with Zakk Wylde? Why did you boot him out of the band?
We haven’t fallen out at all. Zakk was just helpin’ me out for the last two or three years. He was doin’ double duty — he was doin’ his band Black Label Society and he was doing my band as well. I knew I’d have to get a permanent replacement eventually — I was just puttin’ it off. If I needed Zakk now, I’d phone him and he’d be here in a heartbeat.

Your new guy, Gus G, plays on the new album; how important was it for you to find a great new guitar-player to join your band?
Pretty obvious question, innit? If he was a crap player he wouldn’t be playin’ a f**kin’ solo or be in my band at all, would he? We found him through auditions, and he’s a great player, yes.

Did he have to go through any hazing or initiation process?
No, that’s still to come.

Those lyrics you wrote for Crucify The Dead, the song you did for Slash’s solo album, seem a pretty obvious jab at Axl Rose?
The thing I said to Slash a few times was that I could guarantee, one day, they’re both going to look at each other and go, “What the f**k did we do?” In my career, I’ve seen The Beatles, The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Guns ’N Roses, and very few other bands rise to that superstar level... and then they blew it, ya know? I said to him, “Do you realise how many other bands want to be there, and you guys messed it up!” If I was Slash, I’d be very pissed off. I’ve never met Axl — he’d probably punch me in the f**kin’ nose if he saw me!