WHAT YOUR CONSOLE SAYS ABOUT YOU
20 May 2011
Games
3 stars
A man’s not really a man without a console, but does the console maketh the man? Yes, says us. Be on your guard: The machine of digital joy you choose will come to define your very existence, if it doesn’t already. Alarmed? You should be. Read on to know yourself in a way you never thought possible (or even wanted to).
PlayStation 3
Likely Hair: Short back ‘n sides or immaculately coiffed
Likely Attire: A suit during the week, a raincoat on the weekend
Favourite Saying: “My mask of sanity is about to slip.”
You’re a bit fancy, work in an office and possibly switch to white wine down the pub when you think everyone else is too maggoted to notice. The fact that the PSN doesn’t cost anything to use means you’re more frugal than other console owners and you’re open to going dutch on dates
PSP
Likely Hair: Vision-sweeping fringe-fest
Likely Attire: The tightest of pants, the loosest of Afends wife-maulers
Favourite Saying: “Bring it on”
Only the cool younger bunch rock PSPs; always on the go and permanently on top of everything that’ll lead to good times. You live in an alternative inner-city suburb and your sharehouse is populated by the alternative crowd and with guys in bands with names like We Butter Our Bread With Butter. You’re searching for a good time – especially with ze ladies– and you live for today not tomorrow. Money? Pfft, money is all about f-u-n times.
Nintendo DS
Likely Hair: A skullet
Likely Attire: The official Jurassic Park t-shirt and jeans that don’t button up
Favourite Saying: “Lol.”
Hail the geek! You are a massive dork and still love Pokemon despite the fact you’re a single man well into your 30’s. You love them so much you have a tattoo of Charmander. Grooming isn’t a priority and you’re a bit snug around the mid-section but that doesn’t bother you – all that matters is the challenge of the game…and Pokemon.
Wii
Likely Hair: Either extreme - short to the point of balding or shoulder length or longer,
Likely Attire: Something simple, like you
Favourite Saying: “…”
You’re an optimistic sort and live in hope (for what? You’re not sure) which are valuable qualities in anyone who owns a Wii because all the games are more marshmallow ‘Mario Brothers’ soft…if ya get our drift. You’re also a blindly devoted type of person and are easily led (like a dog, kinda), which are just about the only real reasons you’ve stuck with the big N through all these years.
Xbox 360
Likely Hair: Buzzed
Likely Attire: Military fatigues and a shirt and curb-stompin’ boots
Favourite Saying: “!@#$%”
There’s no doubt about: You’re a thug. You follow the UFC religiously, have a filthier mouth on you than all the truckies combined, and have little if any respect for other people’s mothers. Your ‘girl vids’ collection is gigantic, and your rent is higher these days because said collection now takes up its own room in the house. You’re extremely competitive and if you lose, you fly into such a rage that the cops arrive with tasers. The tasers have no effect on you.
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